Who the Fuck Watches These Shows, or How Dan Auerbach Derailed My Post

My posting here is pretty random, and it has a lot to do with the fact that life happens (sometimes, and sometimes life doesn't happen but there are videos on how to freeze soda instantly that I have to watch.) Also adding to my lack of a posting schedule is the fact that I'm fucking lazy, and honestly, I have no clue what to write about. So today I'm going to vent some more about things that drive me nuts, T.V. edition.  This is going to be pretty hodge-podge, so bear with me because I swear you'll like it(that's what I  said).

# 1 - Robert fucking Irvine.  Who, right? This motherfucker.

Ugh, God I hate him so much. GAHHH!!

Now my main goal is to type enough words so that I don't have to see his smug self flexing at me anymore.

This motherfucking mongoloid on steroids is a "chef", who is employed by the culinary committee of darkness, the Food Network.  He claimed to cook for Obama, but it was later discovered that was as full of shit as George Zimmerman's alibi.  Food Network has a way of sticking with their pieciest of shit stars, (man-slut Bobby Flay, blowjob queen Giada Deljdkjhsakjhtis, proven evil-doer Paula Deen,) unless you're an angry lesbian, so Mr. Clean's spray-hair-wearing English brother stuck around.

Basically he has a show where he has to cook for a bunch of people in a short amount of time. Riveting, I know, especially if you know he has two sous chefs, (that means two bitches,) and a crew is oft provided at the venue he has to cook at. My main gripe is his attitude; he bosses around everyone all the time and then when there's ten minutes or less left, he'll go into hulk-rage mode and start screaming and berating anyone who isn't running around at optimum performance speed. God help you if you drop something, he might as well grab you by the scruff of you collar and rub your nose in it. Boy, this guy really gets my goat.

I was looking for a picture of Charlie Kelly, but I found this picture of some guy with Dan Auerbach. God, I love Dan Auerbach.

 My favorite episode was when Robert Herb-vine was supposedly to make an impromptu wedding dinner for a bride whose father would die at any minute; it was really sad. In the beginning he was so sweet and calm, then he met the wedding planner, and that shit didn't fly with him, because only he can be in charge and act like an inflamed anus scratch. He literally threatened to walk out and not finish cooking because the wedding planner wouldn't decorate the plates with pink and purple flowers. Got that? Lemme repeat it, he was going to bail on cooking for a bride whose father had like a week to live because he couldn't get the color flower he wanted.

Recipe for success! Food Network Executive Bob Tushman, (no I'm not kidding, this guy's name is Bob Tushman,) says, "I'm an undercover leather daddy, GET THIS STAR ANOTHER SHOW!" And so 'Restaurant Impossible' is born. RI as they lovingly call this mess, is basically the same shit as his other show, lots of fucking screaming at everyone while he tries to "turn around" a failing restaurant.

So, premise here, he goes to a shithole, gets mad at everyone for owning/cooking/serving/washing dishes at said shithole, fights with the chef, fights with the owners and fights with his own staff.  His staff includes a carpenter and a designer. That poor designer. Every single time I happen to see this show (my mom watches this shit, I glance at it as I make my way to/from the fridge), this poor woman is trying her hardest not to cry or kick him in his ladybug-sized balls.  This woman is single-handed keeping Xanax from becoming so five years ago.

I also found this. I don't know who that guy is but he looks like Timothy from Xenogears.

# 2 - TruTV

First let me start off by saying that everything on TruTV is fake. Ironic, right? I guess since the E is missing it gives them creative license to be fucking obviously scripted and terrible at creating shows that interest anyone at all. TruTV is basically filled with rip-offs of other shows that were successful on more recognizable channels, and reality shows. Like, really, really stupid reality shows, such as a reality show about repossessing cars, which is also fake and has a glamorous, beautimous, erection-inducing-like-a-snake-charmer woman of means..., uh..., this bitch...

Wooooooow. WOOOOOOWWWWW. yup.

This show couldn't be more fake if it had every lip filled with collagen, and each one of it's wrinkles frozen from botox. Like, they repossessed a car from a fat, naked guy who was at an Asian massage parlor, and his "masseuse" comes running out demanding he "pay me now!"  Absolutely unreal.

The real jewel on this channel is the show 'Hardcore Pawn', a direct rip-off of 'Pawn Stars', which, though I am positive is also scripted, is acted slightly better and has characters that are endearing to the viewer. Aside from the running gag of using "pawn" as a play on "porn" (yeah, that didn't get tired instantly), the show has no likeable characters, and the acting is atrocious. In fact, the best acting comes from the "customers", who are only there to fight with the owners and perpetuate a stereotype about ghetto, black people living in the inner-city (it takes place on Detroit's 8 Mile, you may have heard of that place before...)

The owner is a father, whose son and daughter are constantly fighting over who gets to bury daddy first so they can take over the pawn shop.  The old man can't keep from smirking, the son can't convincingly act angry all the time, (because WHO is angry all the time, for real...), and the daughter has permanent bitch-face that is supposed to ward off stupid people, but only gets her into trouble with everyone, because who the fuck puts up with bitchy-ass, rude service from any store?  The whole thing is a mess, and it assaults my eyeballs worse than that Queen Brahne-looking chola up there. TruTV is a #fail.

#3 - 'How I Met You Mother'

I know, you hate me, right? You're one of millions of people who love that show. I just don't get it, then. I'm not sure what is supposed to be so funny. The first time I watched it, I lasted two minutes before I switched channels. Also, the "laugh track-style" hootin' and hollerin' in the background is very 1994. I say, "laugh track-style" because I understand that it is filmed in front of an audience, but something about big lights informing them when to laugh sort of defeats the purpose of having actual human bodies there. Imagine if a show was filmed in front of an audience who was allowed to laugh at what they honestly thought was funny?  Company Execs would cancel that shit in no time flat.

And don't get me wrong, I love Neil Patrick Harris, that guy who was naked in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall', and super freak Alysson Hannigan, but I feel like they're forcing it and none of them want to be there anymore. Like, it was a hit, it had reasonably famous stars and got a lot of buzz. However, now that time is over, and it should go away like '30 Rock' did, albeit gracefully, and rightly so.  Besides, I'll take my NPH in a manner that is best 'suit'ed (ha ha, get it?), in Harold and Kumar movies.

Ahhh, that's it. That's fuckin' it.

In closing - Yeah. These things are weak. TV Execs get paid to do blow and not much else.
And now, for what you knew was coming all along (and what I knew was coming since I accidentally came across that picture of Dan Auerbach), here's some Black Keys...