A Post About the MLB All-Star Game That Got Buried By OH MY GOD, IS THAT GORDON RAMSAY?!?!

So I was gonna blog about how much I fucking hate sporting events, and how it brings out the worst in us all, which I will, but first of all I have EXCITING NEWS! Gordon Ramsay's 'Kitchen Nightmares' is filming across the street from my house!  At a restaurant that I've actually eaten at before!  That being said, I know you may be thinking, "Excuse me, Spazzo, but I thought you hated celebrity chefs?", and to that I would answer, "No. No, I don't." 

You see, Gordon Ramsay is irritable and loud, angry and ridiculous, but that's only for American TV audiences.  If you watch his shows, broadcasted on BBC-America, you see that he is a great guy who actually gives a damn, and has his heart in the right place.  American Gordon Ramsay is basically blonde Robert Irvine, but dudes gotta make bank somehow, right?

See? He loves cute baby animals! Granted, he's probably gonna skin and eat it, but who's counting?

Anyway, the lamb is aptly placed because the restaurant he's renovating is a Greek one.  It was awesome, the best Greek place in my neck of the woods, which is incidentally a predominantly Greek-American neighborhood.  The only thing I can think of was this one time, I called to order a pick-up and the lady told me she couldn't do that.  Oh, and the place is always empty, aside from the owners and their friends watching European soccer and drinking beer.  So, I guess the service could be better?  Who knows what's gonna happen, but if you do watch the mess that is Fox programming, tune in to see 'Kati Allo' get the lemon squeezed out of their potatoes.  God, I'm hungry.

So now, back to what I was gonna write about, the fucking MLB All-Star game, also on America's best channel, Fox.  Every time that a major sporting event comes on, as a female, I can't help but get aggravated.  The obnoxiously loud, on-trend music, the ridiculous gags starring someone shilling something (most likely an action or comedy movie/show), the slew of beer commercials (a.k.a scantily-clad babes and guys surprised by how attainable women are simply by drinking/offering them beer), and last but not least, the fucking national anthem. 

Yes, the national anthem.  Every time I hear "Oh say....", I have an aneurism.  No one wants to hear some struggling up-and-coming pop star, or a struggling has-been, sing that shit any more, no one.  I understand that at every American sporting event, they gotta sing our anthem, and that's great, we should be reminded what country we live in every once in a while.  My main qualm is the pitch of the national anthem; it sucks, it's gay, it's hard to sing.  There is no artistic license allowed when singing it, which leads me to believe that we should just use a boombox and play Whitney Houston's rendition at every event, concert, Presidential Inauguration, etc.  Whatever.  It hurts my ears and my eyes because I roll them so hard.

Honestly - this. Look how much she loves America, she's got the sweats for God's sake!

Next thing I hate about sporting events is the music.  90% of it shit that came out yesterday and everyone knows it because everyone sits in cars listening to Top 100 radio.  People listen to the radio, still?  Not antenna, but still, YOU HAVE AN iPOD!  Listen to your old Rush albums, shit.  I'm not an old bitch, I swear, but I hate new music, like, HATE IT SO MUCH.  Its like holding water, there's no substance.  It's too fucking easy to be/become famous nowadays, everything sounds the same, yet everyone is "artistic" and "edgy." Where? Do they paint as well? No thanks.  So now I'm watching flashing lights that are probably hypnotizing me and being subjected to some Justin Timberlake shit, or Robin Thicke? I can't tell the difference between those two, but it's terrible and now my eyes and ears are bleeding like I'm in a Tarantino movie.

Honestly, can you tell me who the fuck is this redheaded man?

Ick, so anyway, then I have to sit through a Kevin James gag about how he's "hilariously" trying to get on the All-Star team.  Guess what ensues?  It's not hilarity, no.  It's more eye-rolling and waiting for the yucks to come, but no yuck arrive.  And guess what the reason is that too fat Kevin James didn't make the team?  He's too fat, BWUAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA.....

Do you get it?  I mean that in two ways....

So fuck me, I can't stand sporting events.  They're obviously masochistic and beer-fueled and are the quickest way to get a lady drier that an old baklava, regardless of what Coors and Head and Shoulders may tell you.  I leave you with music I actually listen to, that will aid in my addiction to rage-ohol.  Enjoy!