I Don't Give Two Sh!ts About the Royal Baby, and How I Freakily Sympathize with Lindsay Lohan

Hurray! The Royal baby is born! Don't know how many pounds it weighs, nor the length. It's a boy.  It was also a slow news day in America, obviously.  Can someone honestly explain to me why anyone outside of Great Britain should give two shits about this?  This is bringing me back to the Royal wedding, when people were throwing parties and taking off of work to celebrate two people who they mean absolutely nothing to and will never ever meet.  South Park made a great parody of the Royal Wedding craziness, and it was one of the funnier new episodes that I've seen in a while. Take 31 seconds to laugh at the pomp and circumstance involved in all things Royal.

My favorite part is when they throw Cap'n Crunch, as is tradition.

I have my own biased viewpoint of Monarchies in the 21st century; they shouldn't exist.  The Royal family lives off of the tax dollars of Britain's hard-working citizens, and contribute absolutely nothing but pretentiousness in return.  It's ridiculous, and one of the only things I'll side with sexy curmudgeon Morrissey on.

You sexy racist, Vegan asshole.

Speaking of assholes, I feel like talking about celebrities for a while, as I haven't really gotten around to it yet.  This is mainly due to the fact that celebrity news lately has been pretty boring, and anything that I would add to the conversation has already largely been said.  I read a new story about Lindsay Lohan's rehab denying her mom from calling her due to the fact that she was pretty drunk when she tried to contact her.  I wanna start off by saying that I hate people who squander fame in lieu of drugs, alcohol, and hard-partying that wears you out and ruins your career. I feel for Corey Monteith and his family/friends, but that was a waste that could have been avoided with tighter security.  

If celebrities hired the Turks, no one would O.D. ever.  There are a LOT of Rude and Reno fan fics on the interwebs...

Everybody knows Lindsay's story by now, and either shake their head in disgust or get angry about how lucky she is; always getting second/third/tenth chances and seemingly deserving none of it.  We've all heard the rumors of prostitution, (which were never really shot down, though her father commented on it, yet did not confirm it as fact.) We've all seen her destruction of her face with fillers and lip implants, which at 26, is a little unnecessary.  She looks rode hard and put away wet, and then daring to have her portray Elizabeth Taylor, one of the most prolific beauties of all time, was a slap in the face of many.  Plus the way they were trying to compare the two was nauseating; pulling similarities seemingly out of her publicist's ass to try to sell that shit hardcore.  Lindsay Lohan is a posterchild for Hollywood privilege, and for lax penalties for those with power and money.

I mean, she has 'FUCK U' on her nails! In court!

So why, per the title of this post, do I sympathize with this person who does not need it? I kinda see myself in her, now.  I'm no drug addict, I'm not rich and I'm not ginger with big tits, but I see the effect her parents have on her, and can relate to that strangely enough.  She may only be in rehab because the court ordered her to do so, but if she is in fact trying to get her life together, then I can feel for her in dealing with a succubus mother and oblivious dad. 

Lindsay's dad was supposedly abusive as a child, my father was a verbally abusive alcoholic.  Growing up in a tumultuous household shapes a person and creates a pattern that later in life may lead to addiction and risky behaviors.  I admit to having that, "Fuck life, I need a drink/joint" feeling before. Thankfully, however, I've moved away from that, mainly because I've cut ties with people who enabled me to drink/smoke/self-medicate. But no matter how much my father hurt me, I still love him and feel a responsibility to him.

As for her mother, I can sympathize as well.  Dina appears to be a wreck, always latching on to Lindsay, tagging along and seemingly drunk/high all the time.  Lindsay had to move back to her native Long Island, NY to help her mom pay off her home, where he younger siblings live as well.  I, too, have a financial responsibility to my parents and feel if I don't do something, and provide for them, they'll get into a jam that I won't have the foresight to prevent.  Being bogged down by users, especially her mother, is why Lindsay runs off and sleeps with Sheiks to put food and money on the table.  Does Dina prostitute herself? Fuck no, she uses her daughter, and I know how that feels. She does not want her siblings out on the street, and is stuck, so she self-medicates.  

I will end this by saying I don't think she is a very good actress or singer, so I would encourage her to seek other professions if she wants to get back on her feet.  I just honestly hope that the rehab therapist tells her straight up that her mom needs to get her shit together, and that she needs to cut ties with her.  I can't honestly feel that bad for her, she has been handed a lot for nothing, and I know in my heart that even if she relapses, she will live a long, prosperous life.  Addicts either die too young, or outlive us all. Keith Richards and Ozzy Osbourne are great examples of that.  The quality of their lives is up for debate, but these are facts.  So ends my two-cents.  Let us all hollow out babydolls and drink champagne from their navels! Here's doll-drink music, CHEERS!